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This is not iPhoneograph

For want of a blog with text I decided to post this here. This morning I was awoken far too early by a hard rubbish collection. As the truck drove past I noted the company name and this evening, I sent them the following email. I hope you enjoy!

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is with considerable dismay that I find myself corresponding with you, however I cannot allow the incidents of this morning to go unaddressed.

Not yet half six was it when from my blissful slumber I was awakened by the rude noises of heavy machinery. From a sweet dream I was roused; an urban fox and I had become the very best of friends and when I would pet it, it purred like a cat. Alas, the sight of this fox was replaced by my nightstand and a chink of daylight assaulted my eyes, prying them open like a Coffin Bay oyster being shucked – ready for the gut of a fat industrialist.

Mistakenly I assumed this din was the product of a nearby building project, and made up my mind to attend this site under the cloak of darkness to inflict some petty vandalism or sabotage; perhaps I would write profanities in wet cement, or defecate in a conspicuous corner.

I rose from my bed and pushed aside the curtain to confirm my suspicions. Astonished I was to learn that the building site was dormant and therefore not the source of the racket. Manically I scoured the streetscape, and there, not two doors down the street were two trucks bearing your company’s motif on their sides!

One, perhaps two strapping men could be seen moving refuse from the yard of my neighbour to the back of these beastly trucks. At this juncture I observed the culprit responsible for the most obnoxious cacophony that had interrupted my rest; some form of hydraulics were at work, farting and whirring, presumably compacting the refuse to create space for more.

Gripped with an indescribable rage I reached for my sabre, intent on venting my anger upon one of your unsuspecting employees. Alas, as I reached my front door, your vehicles absconded down the street, no doubt to disturb other wretched citizens of our fair borough!

It is this narrow escape for your man that necessitates this interlocution, for I DEMAND SATISFACTION!

I hereby challenge you or a representative from your company to a duel. Be it pistols or swords I shall leave for you to decide, however I propose this take place on Friday next at six. I am possessed of a sense of irony and it is this that prompts me to name the scene of this injustice as the locale where I shall have my satisfaction.

I anticipate your prompt reply.


Phil Mud

  1. awwyeahhipstamatic posted this